The longest, best conversation I've ever had with Alana took place over Fall Break last year, on the return trip from Shenandoah, when she told me about, among other things, the story of Alana and Joel. They have had, as Joel described it last night, a storybook romance, involving a series of semi-coincidental meetings over a period of six or seven years, interspersed with long separations and intense correspondences. I feel somewhat honored to have had what small glimpses I have had into their relationship, because it seems that it has always been quite a private matter. It's doubtful that more than a handful of folks at this school know about it even after a year and a half. Despite this, I've always found them remarkably adept at balancing an obviously close and loving relationship with large amounts of space, so that they have largely different friend groups, and it wouldn't be unusual for them to pass as much as a week without seeing one another. I certainly wouldn't characterize their relationship as dependent.

That's partly why it came as such a shock the other night when Joel walked into the kitchen and said that Alana thought they should spend some time apart for fear of being too dependent. His attitude at that point was largely one of disbelief, understandably, and even humor, just not knowing how to respond, but also clarity. "It was genius" he said, of the way she brought it up - reiterating how good they are to each other and how much they love each other, and then desoningcribing her anxieties of how their relationship might play out. The sort of thinking similar to what I was exploring last semester, in a few conversations with Ester, the idea that you might end up with someone your whole life, not having taken 'sufficient' opportunity to experiment with other types of relationships. Although I'm not sure how absolutely true it is that one ought to have those kinds of opportunities, it's certainly an understandable idea and one that makes a lot of sense. And I can hear the concern that its better for this sort of 'temporary experimental separation' to occur in college and not, say, when they've moved into an apartment together. As I thought about it, I was quite impressed at how Alana had taken it upon herself to act on these anxieties, however arbitrary and rash it might seem. I think it's extremely important to make a clean breast and act decisively when these kinds of tricky emotional concerns come up; my complete failure to be clear-headed and upfront like that with Meredith when it really mattered is probably the biggest mistake I've ever made. Still, it doesn't seem like the fairest or certainly most considerate way to have gone about it, especially since her crisis seems to have come from intellectual problems more than emotion ones. Maybe necessary; who knows.

In any case, Joel was coping okay for a while. Nori, Rebecca, Sean, Alyssa, and I (most of us in bathrobes) convened in the kitchen to comfort him as best we could. We rejected beer, but I gave him some ice cream. And hugs, and advice, break-up stories and platitudes. For a long time he lay down on my bed while most of the others clustered in the doorway, and fondly recounted the story of their relationship. I found all kinds of parallels in it to my various relationships: summer camp (of course), extended long-distance separations, intense intellectual and quasi-emotional correspondence, staying outside all night, and forbidden, necessarily secret love. His outlook at this point seemed extremely uplooking and hopeful, resolved to enjoy his unexpected singlehood for what it was, and though he thought he was unlikely getting to sleep, he retained a cool head. Michelle came over and we mocked David paintings and sang Magnetic Fields ("I don't want to get over you.")

My strongest reaction (besides compulsive mix-tape compiling in my head) was to try to sort out where Alana had been coming from in all of this. As I explained it to Alyssa, I imagined her line of thinking followed some of the discussions we had had last semester about free love (Kollontai, etc.) and lack of dependence, which were rather intellectualized and somehow seemed contradictory to normal human emotions. Certainly its an idea that appeals to the two of us intellectually, and I actually felt quite comfortable with it in practice, although there were emotional quandaries that came up; while Alyssa has said that she wished she were more comfortable with it as an emotional reality. I'm not sure this is making sense. So I was trying to sort out for myself how much of Alana's decision had come from intellectual reasoning and how much was more genuinely felt. It seems the former to some extent, but she also seems to have greatly underestimated how much she would be emotionally affected by its consequences (although they were both in tears by the end of the discussion, she had apparently been much further gone in sobs.)

Although it felt like something completely out of the blue, there were precursors to this juncture, such as (intellectually) her discomfort/moral rejection of the term "girlfriend" (which makes this "break-up" somewhat contradictory), and (in a more tangible sense) a crush she had on some guy last semester. It sounds like she is quite keen on the idea that Joel should go and have relationships with other people (she being his first and only), which is a little hard to interpret. After thinking it through a while, I found myself less of a parallel to Alana (in terms of my thinking about my relationship) than I had at first thought - although it seems possible that I might at some point succumb to these 'intellectual' anxieties about unexplored possibilities despite an ideal and existing relationship, I'm sure my approach would be less drastic and more considered - in a sense, more intellectualized - perhaps to the point of uselessness. Alyssa and I also wondered if Alana would retain her rational "emotionless" stance for long enough to effectively enact this "noble experiment," or whether the drama of that night's conversation and its immediate emotional repercussions would be enough to make reconsider - realize that she wanted something less drastic-feeling. It's hard to know. The underlying premise in something like this has to be that there is always the possibility of getting back together. I tend to feel that as long as a comfortable, balanced, and caring relationship has existed once between two people, the possibilty of its being regained is always there, assuming th relationship was based on something more stable than pure and intense passion. And Alana and Joel have certainly demonstrated that; surviving unscatched and even strengthened after several long separations. At some point though, contends Alyssa, it's possible for one party to hurt the other emotionally to the extent that a reunion is no longer possible; this (along with the chance that a reunion just might not happen for logistical reasons) is the danger. And though of course it is impossible to predict these things, there must be ways to minimize them. In my opinion, as usual, frankness and honesty is the way to go. We talked about our break-up experiences and the relationships that had proceeded them; Nori, Meredith, high school, cynicism, and slept happy.

~

We thought we had heard some sobbing coming from the next room as we fell asleep, but I was rather surprised to learn the next afternoon (Friday; yesterday) that Alana had called late at night and they had spoken for quite a while. She (I think) called again and they talked for another hour or so, at the end of which he agreed to go over to see her at Woolman. But first Joel came and talked to me. It sounded like the phone conversations had mostly been circular, rehashing essentially the same things they had said the previous night, and that the way things were going they would both end up spending a lot more time than necessary being miserable. "Neither of us have really had a break-up before" he said, "so it's like we're just acting out our idea of what a break-up is supposed to be like." Since their relationship had not been a convential one (even in its nomenclature), this seemed like a particularly silly way to proceed. I told him a lot of what I had been thinking, and encouraged him to do something decisive about the situation. Since it seemed clear they shouldn't and wouldn't just get back together immediately and forget about it all, there was nothing for it but that they spend some time apart, as Alana had suggested, for better or for worse. Although I would certainly suggest that he look at it for the better (explore the situation and take advantage of its positive opportunities), it was most important, I thought, that the two of them acknowledge those things that they can be sure of - that they love each other, that neither really wants to hurt the other, and that they can exercise control over their circumstances insofar as they can remain open and honest about their own feelings - things that they had been letting go of to some extent. The logistics of the arrangement (complete avoidance for a set period, "friend-dates," leaving it up to chance, whatever) are less important than that they just make some temporary decision, as I saw it. Some part of what I said inspired Joel, and he decided he would go over and "be mature about it." Which was the best thing I'd heard yet. And it's early to tell yet, but it sounds like it went well. He's sad still, but I think he feels good about the conversation they had and the prospects for the future. His next project: finding other fish.

a dreaded sunny day
so I'll meet you at the cemetary gates
Keats and Yeats are on your side
but you lose
because Wilde is on mine