Ester and I sat in Tarble between 12:20 and 1:15 and talked not about things but about people. And ideas, maybe. Jolly was there as well for long enough to flip through a roll of photos I just got back, taken when the apartment was clean. Ester feels uncomfortable with the way I've been discussing this issue of [girls] because she sees it as comparable to a phase that she went through last year of succumbing to those proclivities towards hedonism that are only to be expected. The stereotypical and perfectly understandable desire of college students to act irresponsibly, which in her view is tragically cheap and decadent. In a sense it is, and this is one of the places I'm struggling: were I to hook up with someone that, essentially, I wouldn't even respect enough to be friendly with under other circumstances, I would feel terribly guilty during and after. That isn't going to happen; I would feel much too awkward. That's a critical part of this whole discussion: I naturally only allow myself to be involved with people with whom I can interact as a friend, ie. people who fit the personality profile discussed below. Ester commented that my relationship with Alyssa last year seemed more like a friendship than anything else, and that was certainly true with Meredith too - that's sort of why we broke up. Also, both relationships started with series of events that could equally easily have led to friendships, but for some reason took another course. The question, then, is am I capable of a physical involvement with someone that a) doesn't grow out of a fledgling friendship, b) operates in an emotional framework that is substantially different from that of my friendships, or c) doesn't have the underlying intention of long-term continuity that is implicit in a friendship. Then, is this a question to which I ought to determine the answer, and is this semester a good time to pursue that answer? If so, since I have ruled out interactions with people that I don't find at least marginally appealing personally as well as physically, and any interaction with someone I find personall interesting is liable to lead to a friendship, or at least the desire for a friendship on my part, it will probably have to have someone to maintain a platonic friendship regardless of physical intimacy. Does that make sense? My first consideration in all of this, I should stress, is to avoid situations that will unneccessarily complicate my relationship with Alyssa. Since I see this as personal exploration essentially unconnected to that relationship, and I trust Alyssa to respect that, this shouldn't be a major problem. Obviously, there is a risk that something will come up to throw a spanner in the works, but that is a possibilty under any circumstances. Once again, all of this theoretical discussion and analysis of the issue is quite distinct from anything that might actually happen. If we learned anything last year about the cruciality elimination of desire and the dangers of the buddy concept, we should know that this is not at all the way to approach assuming we actually want something to happen. That said, again, we're having fun talking about it. The other thing we talked about was whether Ester is being mean to Rebecca and why. I think the answers are respectively no, and for several reasons, which we discussed: Ester feels guilty about not doign enough work around the place, Rebecca talks about herself all the time (as well as people and ideas and even things), particularly about her frustration and insistence on being the mother figure, which Ester responds to by rebelling in typical teenage daughter fashion.

it's harder to be friends than lovers and you shouldn't try to mix the two 'cause if you do it and you're still unhappy then you know that the problem is you