This is going to be one of those weeks that, if not actually painful in experience, will be painful to contemplate. That is, I have two papers due on Friday, a substantial amount of reading to do before I can start them (effectively, I won't start them until Wednesday), not to mention a French exam and a short essay for Syntax and a newspaper article and hopefully a dinner party. It will be fine, I just reserve the right to fret about it until Friday.

(I just overheard someone say she is the RA on Hallowell third, a "normal, stable hall.")

It got off to a good start when I stayed up late last night again (what happened to the first two weeks, when I was in bed by one every night), having another discussion about sex with my flatmates. Actually it was more interesting than that. Rebecca expounded on the "reality" female condom and read from the manual on its usage ("reality is lubricated", "if you feel uncomfortable using reality, use your hand"), and she and Ester and I figured out all the people that we are connected to via "spit networks" - at first they could only connect themselves through Alyssa (and me): Rebecca, Sean, Erin/Eve, Nori (assumed), Alyssa, John, Nicole, Pitar, Rachel, Chris, Ester. But then they found a much shorter way, through Suzanne. I have to go through a lot of people because my only other edge besides Alyssa is Jocelyn, and she seems to be a dead end (on this campus anyway.) The more relevant discussion was whether or not I should bring girls home for illicit purposes. The family consensus was yes (Rebecca has already decided that she wants to bring boys home). Ester suggested that I avoid people who look like Alyssa, and I posited my hypothesis, which I have been formulating for quite some time now, namely that the only girls who fall into a certain character type are always roughly Alyssa-shaped and Alyssa-colored. That is, Meredith-shaped and Meredith-colored. Rebecca diagnosed this physical profile as my "type," and I disagree inasmuch as it's not the only type that I'm attracted to (although it may or may not be the only type attracted to me), but concur because it seems that my personality "type" almost always corresponds to this specific physical type. I have defined personality type I'm referring to by three broad general characteristics: smart, funny, and unselfconscious. I should clarify these terms a bit, because I'm not using them in the ordinary way. By smart I mean somewhat intellectual, with a substantially developed taste in literature and probably music and film as well; someone with whom I can talk about books and who at least won't mind me ranting about music. By funny I mean with a capacity for a silliness which doesn't interrupt a genuinely weighty character: someone who can't but be taken seriously when she wants to be serious, but who also has a pronounced goofy side. By unselfconscious I don't mean in terms of appearance, but in terms of how freely and openly they interact; someone to whom I can talk without feeling any sort of tension on either side. This is definitely related to the funniness aspect. Part of this also has to do with having a consistent and genuine character. Most people (I should hope) have at least a handful of people with whom they feel completely at east and unselfconscious, and nobody does with everyone; I'm basically just talking in regards to myself. That is, with whom do I feel comfortable and good discussing intellectual matters, being goofy, and interacting on an everyday level. I find it unlikely that I would have a serious relationship with someone that I couldn't at least do those three things with, and I don't think those are unreasonable prerequisites.

Meredith and Alyssa (and, to go way back, Nicole Macagna, although she's a redhead, so I don't know what that means) have all of these qualities, and I can't really imagine having a serious relationship with someone who didn't at least approach them. That may seem restrictive, but it seems like there should be plenty of intelligent and good-humored and able to interact assuredly and engagingly, and at least some of them must be blond or thin or tall. (n.b. I'm not saying that I find blond or tall or thin girls more attractive, it would just be too bad if I was doomed never to date one.) To test the hypothesis, Ester (who also fits the description - other exemplary cases include Renee, Ali, and Mariah) and I went through the sophomore Cygnet. Sure enough, almost every single person we found who fit the character profile also fit the physical profile. The only possible exceptions were Sarah, who is red-haired and small, and Stefanie, who is blond and tall. Also Rebecca (who's tall), but I feel like she doesn't quite fit the personality type. All of this is not to say that I don't think there aren't plenty of smart, funny, engaging girls in our class, but surprisingly few of them combine those qualities in the ways I described above.

I don't think I really want to get together with someone in my class anyway. The going candidate (Ester's pick, with which I concur) is a senior.

To make this more confusing, and/or to stave off confusion, I just want to stress that I'm not actively looking for someone to fool around with. Or if I am, (okay, I am) it certainly should not interfere in any way with my relationship with Alyssa. [Ester thinks I shouldn't be writing about this here. Where else, man? It seems that Alyssa is not reading this from Japan, although she will almost certainly read it at some point. But that's beside the point: I'm not trying to hide this from Alyssa. To be honest, I can't imagine that she would be nonplussed. Most people, including her, would think that all of this discussion about other girls indicates that I'm somehow unsatisfied with the relationship. Of course I am unsatisfied with one aspect of it: our current situation as victims of geography. And sure there are other things which make it less than ideal. But as far as the important stuff, what I really care about, that's all there in our relationship. I love our relationship, and I love Alyssa, and as I was lying in bed thinking about this last night I kept thinking about all the things I love about her: her perpetually bemused approach to studying religion, the hand motions and voice and giggle she adopts when she's making a point really enthusiastically, her honesty, her face, and so on. The more I think about the more I feel sure that it is not a conflict of interest for me to be involved with other women, at least in A's absence. She may not feel the same way, although she professed to in theoretical terms, but I think she will accept and understand why I feel that way. I'm planning to write her this weekend, or maybe before, and I'll tell her all this stuff.]

What brought this on? First of all, there are two separate, if related, areas of inquiry: my theoretical explorations of type, and the fling question (whether and if so with whom and how). The prior comes and goes. The latter was precipitated by the party Saturday, when there were lots of people happily coupling and I was basking in the glow of mass affection and dancing with lots of individually affectionate people as well, and spring was in the air. The reminder of this stuff as well as the suggestion of its possibility brought me out of my desexualized phase, and, coupled with the scientific motives of testing my hypothesis, seemed to point to an attitude of active pursuit. The "October break rule" is in effect (if you're not in a relationship by then you won't be until the spring), so I have approximately three weeks. I will keep [you] posted.