Yesterday was one of some emotional content, positive and negative. Not much in the morning - Mark came over to make guacamole, I played him Ming + FS, and then I met Alyssa at Sharples where I put up some of my flyers. We walked home and finally talked about stuff that had been in the air, not pronouncedly, but there. Her stuff. Our stuff too, but I feel largely passive in this; my role is to help find sense in her emotions, and determine what can be done, how we can think about things. Opening parry: i think i want to be single this summer. But it seems rather that we'll try something less drastic; as she phrased it oxymoronically, change our expectations and let things be what they are. How do I feel? Conflicted - on one hand terrifically affected, confused, hurt, uncertain, desperate, and I expressed (genuine) great emotional involvement - at the same time scarily willing for what comes, regardless, resigned, impassionedly indifferent. If we have always been about what's fun, easy, grounded, does that mean there can't be anything else? I don't believe so. It goes, it's okay.

I called my folks - for mothers day, and for logistics, which were less satisfactory; dad doesn't want to come pick me up, and i don't know how all of this is going to happen. Then to the Lodge (1) to meet some folks for dinner. Others were in the middle of exchanging words that rhyme with "kate" - three-syllable verbs to be specific. A foursome assembled, we headed across the fields of the adjacent lower school, making rapid progress towards Ali's car until we arrived at a chain fence. I hoisted myself across it without much trouble, as did Brigid once I lent her my shoes, and Elizabeth although she complained about pain from the wire. As for Stef, she mulled over it for a while, made a few abortive attempts, walked away to another part of the fence which was far more difficult to surmount, returned, and finally made it over when I suggested we pass her a writing desk that was inexplicably on our side of the fence, to use as a stepping platform. Problem-solving challenge number one for the evening accomplished, we got in the car and headed downtown, Brig meting out Fiona Apple and Jets to Brazil.

The vegan joint that was our destination turned out to be closed, as were the next five or six restaurants we tried. Wandering around aimlessly for several blocks, we eventually hit on the Taj Mahal Indian (duh) restaurant on Walnut, which strangely does not have a citysearch entry, but does have I think the best Indian food I've had in Philly - probably on par with the India House (my hometown favorite). And very similar. mmm mmm pakora/samosa/papadam sampler garlic naan onion kulcha aloo paratha lamb curry chicken tikka masala bartha palak paneer mango lassi rice mix it all together (well not the lassi.) We talked about various things, but I told a medium-length version of the Meredith story. It was raining when we left, drove home with only one missed exit, talking about sexuality labels, and so on, got back. The dinner was everything I had hoped for - just a decent chunk of time to really spend with those girls, and the positive goofy vibes were really there, in a way that maybe I haven't had much of for a while. That kind of love is maybe the best.

I tried to clean my room, managed to organize and throw out a lot of papers (including french detritus which I will be studying as soon as I'm done this), but Rae distracted me by dragging me downstairs to listen to Nina Simone and Rahsaan Roland Kirk. I brought the R. Dean Taylor single for her to play as well. And then I ended up playing her guitar and singing a bunch of things - the current state of the Jess/Dave and Liza/Alyssa songs, then "Angeles," "Little Palaces," "I'll Wear it Proudly," "Other End of the Telescope." Upstairs, "Beyond Belief" as well, and "Human Hands" on the piano, as we waited for Stef to arrive. Alyssa did, but no Stef for another hour, so we called and started the movie without her. miscommunication; she and Zab arrived not much later. Paris, Texas, only the first three-quarters (?) of which we watched (so far) is good. Recognizably German for all its monument valley stock-shots. Also recognizably Shepard. But not in a bad way. I want to know what happens next.

she looks like she learned to dance from a series of still pictures
she's madly excited now, she throws her hands up like a tulip
she looks like an illustration of a cocktail party
where cartoon bubbles burst in the air
champagne rolls off her tongue like a second language