[5] okay, you guys really want to hear about why i was upset, now, almost three weeks ago? it feels silly to write about it now; it's pretty pedestrian, i don't care to try to remember the nuances. whatever. basically, it started with a girl, y'know. i thought it would be nice if we, and it seemed like she thought maybe, it was all very encouraging, but then suddenly it was the opposite, with no clear reason for the change. sorry i'm being all dumbly elliptical, but i'm not sure how much else i could say even if it seemed like a good idea to write about it here. nothing was ever explicit - in fact my abortive final gambit was specifically an attempt to circumvent the game. to be honest, i think she acted rather rudely.

anyway, that sucked a lot of course (i fluctuated between bummy and resigned for half a week), but mostly it was extremely confusing. and it (possibly in conjunction with other factors) delivered an upset that jolted me out of my general complacency of this fair-to-middling (i.e., not incredible, only mostly enjoyable - and until then all quiet on the r'ship front) semester, and brought back my latent uncertainty about, well, everything - future, self, interestingness, r'ships, the world. in that general way where it's hardest to pull yourself up because it's hard to know what to focus on. i'm taking the gothic art and arch seminar next semester; which is nice for some reasons. my mom thought i should talk about band history to work stuff through.

well, that's that. now i'm going to [a] much-talked-of "'annual' 'black tie' 'event'," with a new haircut and a penguin for a boutonniere. more tomorrow if we're lucky, but i've gotta [run/read/write/cook/clean/choreograph/rehearse/practice] gaah this is the stressfulness time and it's palpably getting worse. oh, you know i don't really get stressed.

you got beef?
i got vegetables