so that last post was longer than we expected. i really ought to sleep. i've been getting very small amounts of sleep the last few nights. i'm very tired of the extent to which this play, considerable though it is, has been preventing almost any other aspect of my life to take place, even when i try to plan around it.

the long-gestating gothic t-shirts are trying so hard and getting nowhere. yet another shirt-buying-trip plan (gotta be at least the tenth) was deferred today. the other shirt will hopefully happen (i was working on it today - i really want to use garamond, but it's not on any computers here, and i was going crazy trying to download it. why do these sites say they're free and then aren't?), but i can't yet say when. (if you want one let me know please.)

i feel like i've barely even listened to music in the last few days. tonight it's chill-out (as i said earlier, chill t.f.o.) life is full of possibilities and vertigo. soon it will be star time. is the music industry going to keep releases new albums even though i no longer have a dependable way of getting a lot of them for free-ninety-nine? i've been selling on half.

the main other thing has been art history stuff. seminar dinner on monday. was weird. i really liked being in cothren's house (and a house at all.) and it was nice meeting emma and especially lewie, who has the most adorable brown spots on his face, and balla-esque bell-bottom legs. and i liked the exons in the dining room and the fetish trucks on the fireplace mantel.

but it was markedly non-relaxing and awkwardly social. bad enough that we basically had "class" after dinner. i mean, that wasn't really bad at all, the convo was interesting enough, even if a bit stifling. why is alex so mean to claire? and michael just seemed so tense.

he was much much better next morning, up and chipper as we crusied [sic - i like it] down 476 and he told stories about the objects hanging (illegally?) from his rear view mirror. does he like us (workshop) better than us (seminar)? that would be clairev's (hehe, like clairvaux) take. maybe he just loves the sunshine. we talked about erin's dove at pafa (which is wild! so much going on in that interior decorating scheme.) then we went to the 1st (nèe 2nd) presbyterian and claire (ruud claire) let us look at the windows. it was great. she referred to the church as "we" (she's been worshipping there for two months now) and was managing to join her two great loves. i decided i like her.

we didn't have time to get to the philamuseum for me to talk about rousseau, as i'd been up late preparing to do. but that was okay, because we'll have fun going another time. laud gave me a sky-blue or cerulean gryphon tag to make up for it.

listen, here's something. i missed my jury. i had it in my head very much so that juries were on wednesday. i had scheduled carefully to plan for them, and i signed up for a time and everything. but they were on tuesday, when i was in philly with my class. i'd had a vague foreboding that i would find out that was the case, but i couldn't really do much by then because of the laboriously-scheduled presentation trip. so then i went to check and sure enough i had missed it.

hell. do i care? this is ridiculous. the music department must think i'm the most irresponsible (or else incompetent) person on planet. i wonder if that's true (i wonder also which is closer to true, and which is worse.) i've screwed up or come close to screwing up this 48 thing in one way or another nearly every semester. i was so game this time. i played in two ensembles, i wrote my paper and had my conference and even signed up for a jury time. garsh. what the what.

i hate, i realize, the jury system. no, all i want, what i would like, is to be able to perform. all through my pre-college study, there was a recital twice a year, and everyone would play. performance is such an important part of learning to play music, especially in a formal context. i love playing for myself and it's own sake (which is also something i barely get to do), but really what does it say that the ultimate accomplishment of a semester's study is an undistinguished few minutes playing in an bare hall for a scattered clutch of faculty who are just there out of obligation. no fanfare, no climax, no resolution. it's so ugh anti-musical.

but that's beside the point, right? still, no wonder i'm so at a loss for affect. not to mention i feel so distanced from my piano study - i love tony so much but i despise what college life has done to my capacity to get anything substantial from lessons and their objective significance in my personal scheme, not to mention the forward momentum that once existed in my study. passion doesn't work on this restricted a time frame. well i don't know what my problem is.

but there's also the piece that's related to my (less intense) ambivalence about this test tomorrow. no, that's not right - i'm looking forward to the test, or i'm anxious about it or whatever you're supposed to be - it's mattering. but it's not like i've been giving it much overt thought, not what with the incredible expanding rehearsal schedule that invades my homelife tooo. but, whatever, it's just as much a nuisance as anything. i just want one day, one, where i can be outside in the afternoon. i know, i'll get lots soon. okay.

well. so i should get sleep to prepare for it. right rebecca? (gates, not ennen, she's asleep already.) i don't have to get up for anything tomorrow! (test is at 1:30.) well, except laundry.

the littlest birds sing the prettiest songs