ohhh birthday. can't it wait a while? i'm not feeling up to having a birthday right now.

i don't really understand how my life is so full right now, given that i don't have an occupation, but somehow it's taking up an awful lot of time to do more or less nothing. (socialite, mostly) plans are accruing, roughly a week in advance, but also i'm (half-heartedly) trying not to make plans because they make me not want to work the unwieldy hours of campaign jobs, which i'm supposed to be eager and willing to work. can't it be okay that i'd set the same limits on deciding whether to take political jobs as with anyotherold job? i'm having trouble making it be okay. (a difference, probably the biggest, is that decision time is a huger factor with these jobs, since they aren't going to be more than three weeks now anyway.)

i'm a definite believer in remembering the birthday and keeping it holy - if giving up and letting it be just another day, relatively unremarked-upon, is a part of getting older, it's a part i'd really like not to succumb to just yet. it's not super important that it be celebrated on the day itself, but it needs to be recognized somehow with some degree of ceremony, even if it's little and private.

and i don't have a good concept of how to do that. i'm not feeling well enough established in my house (i don't mean vis-a-vis my roommates, i mean the house itself is not mine enough yet) to have a big party, nor is the house all that well suited for it, nor could i possibly compete hostwise with my past self, nor do i particularly feel like a big party is appropriate to my life at the moment. (for one thing, i don't have a very cohesive available friend group.) of course, a big party would itself accomplish some amount of home-establishing and friend-group-cohering, and i do envision some sort of housewarming-type-thing at some point, preferably with out-of-town and/or lazy or drunk people who could make use of the ample sleeping opportunies we've got going on here (guest bedroom + 2 pullout couches in livingroom + plenty o floorspace and blankets and pillows.)

but if anything a small group seems more appropriate - either to gather here or to have a meal out. but which who? and when? and if i manage to secure a politposition i like, will it have to wait until after 2nov? i kind of feel like i should have various celebratory meetings, with different subsets, to parallel my fractured lifestate and attention-span.

also, i'm not so excited anymore about doing this on my own. i've thrown my own birthday parties plenty of times in the past, maybe somebody else should take a turn. i'm not saying you should. maybe

besides, everybody else is having them these days, and i don't want to be just bandwagonesque. today was for lizo - we (5) scratched dirty franks because of sickos, and instead went to an italian place (which i found pretty lackluster) and then returned to rebecca and nam's house for some shoo-fly pie and dog antics. elena's thing - which should be pretty unoutclassable - is on saturday, which is also emily's day. and so on.

and finally, i don't feel especially deserving of birthdayness. i've been living this completely indulgent life, lately, well, since i graduated, (okay, since i was born) - if nothing else, it's hard to think of what could actually be indulgently celebratory enough to make a more than superficial impression.

my desires, as inarticulate about them as i often find myself, are of course plentiful and listless. i don't feel too cool about wanting, but there's been some pressure to divulge, so here you go, a little wishlist for you to take as you will. you decide.

~ i would like a cd player, preferably a changer, so that i can stop using my poor tired discman as a hifi component
~ i would kind of like a subscription to a newspaper - probably the ny times rather than the inqy, i'm afraid - but daily is definitely too much, so just weekends, or even better just sundays (the timesmag does come with sundays if you just get sundays, right?) and if i end up only using it for the crossword it's my own damn.
~ i would like to be able to record music in my room, to which end, a four-track tape deck and an SM57, or comparable. something more digital (probably software-based, panther-friendly, and workable with my woefully unused quattro) would also be swell.
~ i would really love a drum set, and/or an accordion. one might contend that i already have a drum set and/or an accordion. that's true. but i can't freaking use them.
~ i would like a desk and a chair or two for my room.
~ music, obviously. the following i desire greatly but will probably not find any time soon at a price i'm willing to pay myself: unrelenting sounds of the 1979 post-disco crash by jason forrest; the name of this band is talking heads by duh; catch a fire - the two-disc deluxx edition, by the wailers/bob marley; alcachofa by ricardo villalobos; the recent reissue of james brown live at the apollo from 1963; medulla; don't give up on me; telephono (except, good luck.)
~ i would like to borrow someone's copy of middlesex at some point. i like books but you know i'm in the middle of a couple, and i did just get a library card.
~ i would still love for you to make me that tree, caitlin, just let me know what's a good time.
~ does it need to be stated that i would enjoy having a job? a greater shared conception of life with my roomates, etc.

i think it would be a less disingenuous activity to instead list things i already have, as i will be called upon to do in a month and a half. speaking of, i'm currently accepting thanksgiving invitations, so get your offers in now.

look at me, up at nearly four doing this. i actually do have work tomorrow.

it's nice to hear you say hello,
how are things with you, i love you,
but very soon it's time to go,
an office job to do, while i'm here writing songs for you.