happy new year, folks. 2005 has begun with the most memorable new years celebration in years, and the most wonderful weekend i've had in a long, long time. i'm not sure i can really express how incredible the experience was for me; i don't even know if i can comprehend it, and that's probably why i've spent some of the last several days weepy, fragile, prone to tears - i'd say hysterical but it hasn't been as high-energy as that - emotionally wrenched, let's say; admittedly lack of sleep has also played its role.

since my return to the city, the emotions attached to my inbursts have been souring somewhat - the juxtaposition of these last two days with the previous four jars and has left me a bit searching, more on that later - but it all comes from a similar place. the borderline between good and bad overwhelming is not so distinct as one would think - but at base, and certainly as it manifested on sunday, my fragility has been of inexpressible goodness, my tears of bewildered joy.

it's this: i just spent four blissful days in the company of many of the people i most cherish in this world, and i can't stop marvelling at how amazing they are, how grateful i am to have them as my life, and how much i love them, pure and simple. it's both comforting and profoundly gratifying to have such terrific friends, and even more so to be able to bring them all together, in such a way that their terrificness compounds and crystallizes. it was also the realization of something i've had as a dream for years, to amass such a sizable bunch of my loved ones at what must be my favorite place in the world, surely the place i feel most comfortable and at peace.

i can't begin to imagine a way i'd rather spend that time, or really any time. i'm sure my guests all had a great weekend, at the least - dave told me "i think i'm not too old to say that that was a formative experience," commenting on the sense that any of us could do absolutely whatever they wanted, without the slightest pressure from anyone else - and i'm looking forward to reflecting on it with the others that were there - but for me it may have been something else entirely. to be able to look around myself and see one my favorite folks anyway i turned my head, and to watch them getting to know each other and enjoying each other in ways i had only imagined. if i found myself momentarily disengaged in a group conversation or activity, i could just look up and find someone with whom to share a quiet smile.

it almost seems not worth it to talk about what actually happened, but of course it was all kinds of fun - countless games (casino, gin, russian banks, three-way cribbage, bridge, scrabble, anagrams, upwords, boggle, cranium, "hear me out," hinky pinky, and a whole-group game of charades, plus others i'm sure), cooking (most of it master-chefed by dave) and baking (how i spent the bulk of the 31st, including my 7th annual bûche - not my best, but whatever - MMV apple pie, "poor man's baklava," peppermint brownies), reading (much use was made of our local [ie: in-house] wee-kena branch), umfundalaish exercises and spontaneous dance parties, occasional forays out into the world (sadly, there wasn't snow to ski, and it rained a fair amount, but we got in some nice walks and played on the river ice), fire-building, sweating (spearheaded by bobby), and so on.

[continued]

the new year moment itself was a clear culmination in a way it often isn't up there, the point when all of the positivite energy in the place tangibly coalesced (often it was more ambient, diffused among groups here and there). dinner started sometime around 10:30; all lights off save the halogen spots, focused to illuminate only the table (and just the "inconceivable" main one, not even the one [our old kitchen table] we added on the end to fit twelve more comfortable). it was the first (and only) time the twelve of us were engaged in one activity, even if, save for some toasting, the conversations were as fragmented as ever. midnight kicked off an impressive bout of dancing involving almost everybody (beginning with ben and me frantically flickering lightswitches, ending with him busting some robot/mime moves i'd never seen him do) before dessert, dave passing out taking pictures on the balcony, some of us going to sweat, clean-up mostly saved for the morning.

in addition to the wonderfulness of people, the trip also helped reaffirm the wonderfulness of music. i remembered how much i enjoy playing my guitar (until it got knocked over and suffered a crack that has worrisomely begun to spread since - gonna take it into the shop soon.) we listened to many of the highlights from 2004, plus some perfectly-placed classics thanks to ben (tapestry stands out), cex for exercises, zissou soundtrack from louisa. on new years eve we listened to mixes, whose heightened rate of change matched the excitement very well: pynched and promised and x-factor for dinner preparation, be/elated during dinner, paused for auld lang synging, then piracy funds terrorism for spontaneous dance party after midnight (amazing. it really is that good) and erlend's dj-kicks during dessert and come-down. sunday was even better - nilsson schmilsson has to be one of the best wake up(!) albums ever; kill the moonlight and surrender for cleaning energy, then a farewell dance party to "toxic" just before we left, and key coxiPod selections coming home: mgm endings and oh inverted world…until it was just rob and me and mirah, marvelling at the love.

(oh, and somewhere in there was a mix made by tim k, which played my favorite song as we passed scranton and mysterious lights in the sky. and i just said, through almost-tears, "this is my favorite song." i would quote the lyrics here in full even, because they fit, but [my gosh] don't you know it.)